I THINK I FINALLY FIGURED OUT MY LIFE

I remember being asked a few simple questions by my mother growing up. The questions were (in some variance), “Why do you think they acted in that way?” or “How do you think that made them feel?” To which I would answer, “Nobody thinks about those things, Mom!” But my mother did, so I had to talk with her about it.

I never thought twice about the impact those discussions had on me. It was just annoying conversations I was forced to have with my mother. However, now that I am much older and have a better understanding of who I am, I can look back on my life and see just what kind of impact those conversations had on me at such a young age.

As I reflect back on my life, I realize that I had always possessed a great amount of empathy because of those discussions. I would always recognize the kid that didn’t have any friend and who was alone, and I would literally hurt on the inside thinking about what they must feel and imagining what my life would be like every single day in their shoes. Still to this day I go into a little trance when I see people that appear lonely or hurt. All my senses seem to diminish, and I feel intense pain and isolation for a moment.  Although I was never excessively bullied growing up, I could also just sense the pain and anguish of a person getting bullied when I was younger and still to this day. I was never very good at reaching out and being a huge helping hand, but I always did my best to make sure that everyone felt uplifted and respected.

I have always been a very outgoing person and was even voted “Life of the Party” for my senior class, and as I look back I realize I had (and still have) a lot of internal conflict because reaching out to “the one” (as Jesus would say) wasn’t what someone like myself was “supposed to do”. I still struggle with this. I still do a terrible job at reaching out to “the one”. I guess that is part of the struggle living with what seems to be two completely contrasting sides to yourself. Sometimes I feel badly about myself because I feel like people only know my outgoing and fun side and I don’t always know how to introduce a completely contrasting side of me to them. Its hard to be personal and intimate with someone when all that they know of you is your incredibly outgoing side. But, I am slowly learning how to be my full self and hopefully I can figure it out!

Kind of switching it up a bit here after a bit of a sidetracked rant about myself… but in high school I was quite successful in track & field. I felt like one of the largest parts of my identity was the success I had on the track. I always wanted to win to impress people and kind of craved the attention that came with being good. I would often think about what other people thought about me in the stands as I came cruising down the homestretch ahead of the competition. My junior year I was the state champion in the 400m and was gunning for the repeat my senior year to go along with hopefully two other big victories at the state meet. Long story short, I got beat in all of my races. Pretty big bummer for someone who cared a lot about winning and impressing people. But I learned something powerful that day as I participated for the last time ever on the track. I remember sitting on the infield after all the races were over and losing everything I had worked so hard for and looking around at all the other people gathered, and realizing that more than anything I was going to miss my teammates, my friends, my coaches, my competitors, the coaches at the other schools, and basically just anybody I met. I realized that the reason I loved track so much was because of all of the people. I realized that what was actually important to me was the legendary bus rides with my teammates, building relationships with my different coaches, and becoming friends with the kids I competed against. I realized what it was all about the whole time. It was all about building relationships and connecting with people. Learning this lesson, in that moment, made me want to help others learn this without having to sacrifice years of pride and selfishness to understand it and brought me a better understanding of who I am and who I want to be.

After high school I got a job working with The Boys & Girls Club. I had the opportunity to work with children all summer long, which, as the youngest child in my family, was pretty foreign. That summer was so much fun, but it also really began my interest in human development. I was exposed to children who came from all sorts of homes, behaved in all sorts of different ways, and connected with me in all different ways. I was always intrigued to learn what their parents were like when the kids go picked up by them. I started to see why certain kids acted certain ways by watching them interact with their parents and I was fascinated by that. I started to think more seriously about working with youth as a career and wanted to be able to have a positive impact on them because I saw how much a lot of youth needed an adult to trust and love. This was more than just a fun summer job for me. It was an eye opening experience for me and my future.

I left away on my mission expecting the opportunity to meet and teach lots of people about the gospel. As my amazing mission unfolded I learned a whole ton about a lot of things: the gospel, myself, other people, Texas, religion, etc. As I sat across from my mission president in my departing interview he asked me what the one thing I would take home with me that wouldn’t go in my suitcase, and I told him, “a testimony”. Now, I don’t want to downgrade that answer at all, because at the time that was a heartfelt and honest answer. I grew a tremendous testimony, and nothing can ever take that away from me. But, nearly two years removed from my mission I now realize the greatest thing I took away from my mission. I had some absolutely amazing experiences teaching the gospel and seeing people find greater light in their lives, but those memories pale in comparison to the opportunities I had to simply be there for some people. I remember having lengthy discussion with some of my companions because they didn’t think it was worth our time to keep going back to certain people because they weren’t “progressing” and worth our time. But what I saw in some of those people was a need for my presence. For example, I remember my good friend Sam. He was in his 80’s and “lonely as hell". I would sit on that man’s couch in his nasty smoky house for multiple hours usually two times a week and talk about his life and things he was struggling with. The dude couldn’t comprehend the gospel or remember things we told him, but I felt such a strong connection and need to be there for that man. Missionaries would tell me for months and months after I left that he wouldn’t stop talking about me whenever they would go offer him service or anything. That relationship is one of my greatest successes. I remember my friend Lovenia who was a convert of a couple years and no longer active in the church. She hadn't kept a commitment from the missionaries in a long time and we had basically gone away from teaching her altogether, but I felt such power come from sitting with her in her home, laughing with her, and letting her know that we loved her for who she was. I remember the people I served more than anything, especially when that service went against everything we were supposed to do as missionaries. I loved teaching the gospel, loved it loved it loved it, but those memories can’t compare to the memories I have connecting with people and learning to love them for who they were and being there for them regardless of their progress in being taught.

I returned home from my mission and was able to substitute teach a bit before school started. Although days were exhausting trying to handle a class full of 10 year olds, I freaking loved it. I gloried in the opportunity to be a positive role model for the kids. There would be days that I would be standing in the halls of the middle school during passing period with kids streaming down the hall getting high fives from me because they loved me so much when I subbed their class. I realized that I wanted those feelings for the rest of my life. But I just had no idea what in the world to teach if I went into education and how I would make a living.

I started school and thought about doing some sort of education degree, but that wasn’t really going anywhere. I had a few other random ideas but nothing ever seemed to click or make sense in my heart. So basically I was just taking a bunch of general classes that I hated. School flipping blew. It sucked. But, I was lucky enough to land an amazing bunch of classes last spring that helped me start to piece my life together. I also got a job that helped me see deeper into things I had started to see long ago. I was recommended to take an Interpersonal Communication class by my adviser that helped me understand a lot of the things I had recognized growing up but didn’t know how to make sense of. Communication and a lot of the human behavior stuff we talked about just made sense to me and was so incredibly interesting. I had a Sport’s Psychology class that helped me start to make more sense of some of the experiences I had playing sports and gave me a desire to be the best future track coach I could be. I had an institute class where we talked a lot about families and relationships. I also worked with the Boys & Girls Club after school program at the middle school that semester. The job was rough, and I honestly hated having to go to work every day because the kids were so difficult to deal with. Most of the kids came from high risk homes and had a lot of struggles in their lives, so it was really hard for the kids to trust us and allow us into their lives. Among months of daily struggles, I was able to have some powerful experiences talking with two different kids about their lives. One girl opened up to me about dealing with anxiety and depression and some of the issues she faced at school. She amazed me with her strong spirit and uncanny ability to perceive the world. I was touched so deeply by that discussion and wished so badly that the kids would allow me to talk with them about hard things more. I really had to ask myself those questions my mother used to ask me when I was younger, "Why do you think they acted that way?" or "How do you think that makes them feel?" This job made me never want to work with youth again, but also made me want to spend my life helping kids like them.

My parents and others always would offer helpful suggestions for study/career choices. I heard a lot of different ones: law school, physical therapy, counseling, occupational therapy, blah blah blah. I remember pretty much just shrugging every idea off because it just didn’t sound like anything I wanted to do. Some days I would feel like doing one thing and then a few days later it would be something else. But I remember there was a point towards the end of last semester that it just all clicked in my head and just felt right. I remember my mother suggesting being a school counselor previously and thinking that was probably her worst idea yet….. but it eventually just hit me. I needed to be a school counselor. I would get to work in a school like I had long wanted to do and I would get to listen to, counsel with, and connect with PEOPLE on a very personal level, as well as be in a position to coach track and be a role model and mentor while helping develop better athletes. All those years of being deeply empathetic with kids growing up started to make sense, my experience with track and the lessons I learned made sense, my strong desire to connect with people on my mission outside of teaching them the gospel made sense, and I could see all my experiences working with youth leading me to that career. So, I made a plan to finish a degree in Communication Studies and do a minor in Psychology before I do a master's program in School Counseling!

This whole plan was all still new to me. I would even tell people that my plan would possibly change because it was one of those “I finally figured my shiz out but idk because maybe I don’t because I sometimes feel like I am a mess.” But I had moment after moment this summer that made me more and more comfortable with my plans. I went to Washington to sell pest control again this summer. I literally just hate sales, hate business, and literally just hate everything about the job except for one thing…. the occasional incredibly powerful interaction with an individual. Over 99% of the people I met were just whatever. Some were nice, some were rude, some were just average, but there were a number of experiences that really touched me. I remember walking up to an ugly yellow house towards the end of a string of really difficult selling days. I chit chatted with the lady who answered about pest control for a little bit before I gave up and started talking with her about life. About 45 minutes later I was walking out of her house having just learned about her conversion to the church, her mission, her leaving the church, her failed marriage, her struggles with her second (current) marriage and seemingly everything in between. I remember as I walked away just feeling overwhelmed with what just happened and the fact that she trusted me, some random 22 year old door-to-door salesman who she had never met, with some of the most vulnerable parts of her life. I always felt like I was able to have real heartfelt discussion about difficult things on my mission, but I realized that my ability to do so had grown so much after my amazing classes and recent experiences. I felt so much love for her and felt so humbled to have been able to help her talk about and feel comfortable discussing some of the hardest things in her life. I wanted that feeling that I had in that moment to be a part of my everyday life for the rest of my life. I felt that feeling again a number of times throughout the summer as I sat in people’s homes talking about their struggling family, their battle with cancer, or their experiences with God and religion. I prayed every single day this summer that I could be the answer to someone’s prayer even if I knew who that person was or not. Most days I had no idea who it was, but there were a small number that were profound, and those experiences helped me feel confident in what I plan to spend my life doing.

So yeah, there is that. I want to be a school counselor. Its going to be hard and will constantly require me to learn and be broken again and again, but it that means I am able to change lives, so be it. I have been told that I will learn things that I will never have wanted to learn and that I will hear about things that I wish I had never heard about, but I look forward to leaving work everyday with those feelings that have already changed my life so much!

Double Tap..... Triple Trouble

Sup squad. Reed here, obviously. So a little about me in case you didn't know... I grew up in a small-ish town in Idaho called Kuna. It is quite honestly such an awesome place. It was awesome growing up and especially going to school in Kuna because there was never an environment of competition for attention, trying to be cool, or striving for superior social status. Everyone was chill, got along, and respected each other. This showed not only in school, but in everything, including social media. People posted whatever the heck they wanted. Instagram pictures weren't doctored up, people posted about random stuff in their lives, and there was never a competition to see who could get the most followers or likes on their pictures. People just didn't care about that because they knew that Instagram wasn't what made them cool or well known. So let me just tell you that I was in for a grand awakening when I moved to Utah for college and was introduced to a whole new world of Instagram and social media. But everyone is affected by this... not just Utah people.

Yes, I am writing about the poison of social media, but particularly Instagram because it seems to be the most dangerous and toxic of all the platforms. I promise you that I am not trying to demean or belittle anyone, make anyone feel bad, nor am I judging anyone. I am just trying to raise awareness to the real problems that underlie something we are all engaged in. So if you are reading this, please do so with an open and humble mind and think about how this is affecting you. Also, although I am writing this with a focus on young adult Instagram users, the principles apply to all of us no matter our age or what social media we use!

Also, I do want to put out another disclaimer. I do understand that many people use Instagram for many good things. People use it to promote their businesses or this and that. I have a friend who has built her very successful photography business nearly completely through Instagram! It has completely changed her life for the better and she is super successful because of it. And good for her because there is absolutely nothing wrong with that! But guess what? She is in the less than 1%. You and I ain't building no business from Instagram. I also know people who love photography (but may not run a photography business) and use Instagram as a platform to share their work. Again, this is a perfectly healthy thing to do! No problems there unless it starts to affect them in some of the ways I will talk about.

I want to share with you some experiences I have had lately that have led me to write this.....

A couple months ago I had an assignment for my Interpersonal Communications class that called for a 24 hour mediated communication fast. This meant that I chose not to use any sort of communication that was not face-to-face with another person for a full day! I'm sure that doesn't seem too bad to you -- no texting or calling someone, right? But we are literally exposed to mediated forms of communication all day every day. Yes, texting and calling are mediated forms of communication, but even simple things like recipes or settings on an oven are communication through mediated channels. I couldn't look at my phone, look at a book, read any notes, listen to music, OR EVEN LOOK AT A DANG CLOCK!!!

I learned a lot of things through this assignment....

Firstly, I found that we are all living in two different worlds. We are all part of the real world, obviously, but we are also a part of a virtual world. What I found interesting was the fact that even when we are not actively engaged in the virtual world, that virtual world is right in our pockets and, believe it or not, we are still a part of it. The issue I found with this is that we are NEVER present in the real world! Never. I chose to do this assignment on a Sunday, so I spent a few hours at church surrounded by my peers which created an interesting dynamic for me. For one thing, I hadn't paid that much attention in church in seemingly forever. Good heavens. I didn't realize how much I was distracted at church, but that's a different story. I also realized how lonely it was to be the only person in the real world while surrounded by my peers that were only halfway in the real world with me. This isn't to say that I didn't have anyone to talk to, because I talked to people more that day at church than I usually do, but I never felt like anyone was engaged in the present with me. I would be talking to someone and they would at some point look at their dang phone and I would feel an instant disconnect from them. I NEVER had anyone's full attention, and it made me realize how much our connection to the virtual world is pulling us away from our relationships with real people. This occurrence has unofficially been termed "phubbing" which is short for "phone snubbing". One study found that people who use their phones while sharing meals with each other not only took them away from the people physically present with them, but it also made them enjoy their meals less (aka a literal waste of money). Through one follow up experiment they found that those same people that were evaluated using their phones while sharing a meal had less enjoyable face-to-face interactions away from the table as well. In fact, researchers have found that the mere presence of a cell phone in an interaction causes people to feel less connected to each other. They may not even be actively engaged with the device, BUT THE MERE PRESENCE distances people from each other. 

"The humans live in time but the Enemy destines them for eternity.  He (God) therefore, I believe wants them to attend chiefly to two things, to eternity itself, and to that point of time which they call the Present.  For the Present is the point at which time touches eternity… He would therefore have them continually concerned either with eternity (which means being concerned with Himself) or the Present… Our business is to get them away from the eternal and from the Present…we sometimes tempt a human to live in the past…He does not want men to give the Future their hearts… We do…we want a man hag-ridden by the Future."   -The Screwtape Letters, CS Lewis

On the other hand, this assignment took things to the extreme. It was incredibly frustrating to figure out something to do when everyone was entertained by mediated communication. Like, what could I go do when everyone was watching a basketball game? I couldn't go read anything, I couldn't write in a journal, I couldn't call anyone up on the phone... literally nothing. Not even things that were wholesome and safe. I sat there on my butt in the hallway of my apartment doing nothing for like 15 minutes at one point. I felt like I was going crazy. I learned to appreciate many of the resources we have. Phones are great! Lately I have been reaching out to friends of mine that I don't see too often and ask how they're doing, texting people when I think about them or sending texts of appreciation to people. It's been great. My phone has allowed me to build stronger relationships as I have learned to use it in a more wholesome way. More on this in a bit...

I'll move on to my next experience now. For my English class we were assigned an argumentative essay. I thought back to an argumentative speech I gave in high school about how Facebook was the best social media platform, so I thought I would write a funny essay about how Twitter was now the best social media platform. Well, that just wasn't going to work out. So I decided to just write a generic essay about how poisonous social media is, with an emphasis on the culture of Instagram among young adults in Utah. Instagram in Utah is nuts, y'all. And if you are reading this as a young adult in Utah, I don't mean to belittle you or call you out with what I am about to say, but I hope it makes you think about how this is affecting you, because I can promise you it is affecting you. I rewrote the entire essay and turned it in just the other day, and its been a fascinating few days since. 

I will start with a couple things that I learned as I did some reading about the issue. Let me walk through step-by-step of how the whole process of toxicity goes down.

-First off, a young adult will have plans to do something fun with some friends and all along they are planning on getting a "Instagram perfect picture" to post for the occasion.

-Then, they will go out and have their fun (heck, sometimes these fun activities are purely for a cool IG pic), and spend a considerable amount of time trying to get the perfect picture. I kid you not, people will do like 10 takes to find the perfect one.

-This picture will then go through the process of getting perfectly edited, which sometimes takes a considerable amount of time. It has to look perfect. Sometimes like 3 different edits will be done of the picture before the best one is picked.

-Sometimes the posting of this "Instagram perfect picture" will be postponed so that it can be posted at a time of day that more people will be trafficking through Instagram so that they can get more likes.

The whole goal of this "Instagram perfect picture" is to get the most likes. Heck, one time I realized someone deleted a picture after a bit of time because it wasn't getting enough likes! The purpose of most of these pictures isn't to share your life and things your care about, its to get likes. But why?

Its because we crave validation. Validation that people like us and that we are known by others. The reason that we crave these things and feel validated is because when people like our pictures, dopamine is released in our brain. Dopamine is a chemical that is released when you have a triumphant moment in your life. Moments like finding your keys, scoring a winning goal, getting a sale, or getting a good test score. But, dopamine is also what is released when you drink alcohol, intake nicotine, or gamble. As you know, drugs and alcohol bring synthetic happiness that is temporary, and addiction is the result of irresistible cravings for the synthetic happiness that dopamine gives you in these circumstances. We all have an addiction to approval. We crave approval from our parents, family, friend, peers, and associates. When we turn to Instagram for approval and validation of ourselves, we are training our brains to think that the dopamine being released when we see those "likes" is the solution to our happiness. "Likes" on Instagram are literally a drug. It is the same thing as opening up a liquor cabinet and pulling out a bottle of vodka to satisfy that craving. And just like how the alcohol is nothing but a temporary quench, so are those "likes" on that picture. So on the side of the person who posted the picture, this process of obtaining and gaining validation for an "Instagram perfect picture" is bringing synthetic validation telling them that their lives are meaningful and that they are cared for, when in reality its just a drug poisoning the brain.

Similarly, I can almost guarantee you've at one time opened up Instagram within minutes of last opening it, scrolled through the 5 new posts, scrolled through to see if there were any new stories posted, locked your screen, and then did it again less than 10 minutes later. Yo, you're addicted and so prone to needing validation from Instagram that you look for it even when there is very little chance it will provide you any. But hey, I've done that countless times so you ain't alone.

I'll tell you what, REAL VALIDATION is seeing a friend on campus, seeing them smiling at your presence, hugging you, and wishing you a good day. REAL VALIDATION is receiving a text from your friend who you haven't seen in a while letting you know they're thinking about you. REAL VALIDATION is having personal conversations with a loved one about important things in life. REAL VALIDATION is serving others and seeing them happy because of it. REAL VALIDATION is praying and asking God if he is proud of who you are and feeling peaceful and full of love. REAL VALIDATION IS NOT GETTING NEW FOLLOWERS OR LIKES ON INSTAGRAM. 

Now, on the other side of things, people will see that posted picture and they are affected as well. They see the beautiful world that is portrayed and they see the happy people and their perfect relationships. Images carry what researchers call visual primacy and warranting value. So, when it comes to social media, Instagram carries a much more impactful effect than a tweet or Facebook post because it is a visual picture. So when a photo becomes "warranted" (or gets lots of "likes" from other people) it becomes more believable and the brain files it as something as real and true. So, these Instagram perfect images are literally creating a perception in the viewers brain that life HAS to be like that to be good and happy.

Did you know that those who reported to spend more time on social media are found to be 2.7 times more likely to suffer from depression than those who spend less time on social media??? TWO-POINT-SEVEN TIMES MORE LIKELY!!! It may not seem like much, but think about yourself being at nearly THREE TIMES the risk of suffering something you really don't have to. It's your choice! (I am very sensitive to clinical depression and all the many people that suffer from it. If you or a loved one suffers from that, this issue is not related to you and your struggle. If you find yourself feeling depressed because of social media, please take steps to help yourself. Please tell people you love, get help, and work your way to a healthier place.)

I was talking about this issue with a friend yesterday, and she shared something with me that is such a perfect example of this. She told me that at one point she started following a lot of "Instagram famous" people, particularly a lot of Utah "mommy/fashion bloggers". She said that as time went on her self-esteem got worse and worse and she thought horribly of herself because she was always so exposed to these "perfect Instagram lives". She decided that she would unfollow all of those people and immediately she started to gain back her self-esteem and love for herself. Heck, she decided to delete her Instagram app on the spot as we were talking about this together!

I also deleted my Instagram and Twitter apps a few nights ago. Instagram because of the trap I was falling into, and Twitter because it was just a time waster. However, I do love Twitter because people show their true lives on there. It is quite refreshing. Anyway, it hasn't been more than a couple days since I got rid of all that junk and I can honestly say that I have not loved myself this much in a long time! I tend to not struggle very much with self-esteem, but it was completely normal for me to compare myself to others on Instagram all day long and take some hits. Along with that, my relationships feel so much more real too! Even though its just been a couple of days, everybody is now just a real-life friend and they don't exist in my virtual world of friends anymore. On top of that, real-life validation is much more frequent and relevant. I see people on campus and have super positive interactions just in passing, and they are 100% my real life friend, and it fills me with authentic validation and love. I also have been so much more aware of random people and their emotions. I am aware of people who are lonely, stressed, or sad, and empathize with them, even if its from a distance. I reach out to people more often and let them know that I love them and care for them. Although I am still a selfish 22 year old young man, I feel more selfless than I ever have since my mission. I have had so much real validation from real relationships and serving others. Also, I have been talking to more people wherever I go. When I walk into class and everyone else has their faces shoved into their screens scrolling through pictures, I sit down and talk to the person next to me. Yo, I got friends in all my classes and it is sa-weet! To be honest I have been practicing not sitting on my phone before class all semester long, but I no longer even have the temptation to close myself off to uplifting personal interactions with others. IT HAS BEEN SO GREAT PEOPLE! 

I plan on having Instagram and Twitter deleted for at least a week before I download them again. But when I get them back I have a plan to use them in a healthy manner by limiting my time spent scrolling, never comparing myself with others, and not using it to seek validation. I fully intend to delete them again should I start feeling pulled back into the trap. I do still have my Facebook app because I use that mainly for news, and I also kept Snapchat because I actually get to communicate with people in a healthy way on there. So yeah, there's that in case you were wondering. Also, I downloaded my Instagram app to share this but will be deleting it again right after I share this.

My whole purpose in this is to bring awareness to the issues we face with social media today. I honestly don't mean to demean anyone or make you feel bad because let's face it, we are all part of it. I am included. And I decided to do something about the problem I face everyday because I want to live the best and happiest life I can.

God bless you as you are honest with yourself and try to evaluate anything you need to change to live a happier and healthier life. It's not easy to change, but its possible. Let me know any thoughts you have, experiences you have, or any questions you have. And if you need somebody to help you make a change please reach out to me or someone you love! I would be more than willing to help you in whatever way I can! DM me (I won't see it immediately but I will eventually), text me, call me, Snapchat me (@reedalolo), or whatever. I want to hear your experiences!

Some sources I used for my essay and that I got a lot of my info from:

https://www.deseretnews.com/article/865652960/How-social-media-can-make-us-question-our-moral-values.html

http://universe.byu.edu/2016/10/11/health-officials-say-social-media-can-affect-students-mental-health1/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nedx5FYUDe0

http://time.com/5216853/what-is-phubbing/