I THINK I FINALLY FIGURED OUT MY LIFE

I remember being asked a few simple questions by my mother growing up. The questions were (in some variance), “Why do you think they acted in that way?” or “How do you think that made them feel?” To which I would answer, “Nobody thinks about those things, Mom!” But my mother did, so I had to talk with her about it.

I never thought twice about the impact those discussions had on me. It was just annoying conversations I was forced to have with my mother. However, now that I am much older and have a better understanding of who I am, I can look back on my life and see just what kind of impact those conversations had on me at such a young age.

As I reflect back on my life, I realize that I had always possessed a great amount of empathy because of those discussions. I would always recognize the kid that didn’t have any friend and who was alone, and I would literally hurt on the inside thinking about what they must feel and imagining what my life would be like every single day in their shoes. Still to this day I go into a little trance when I see people that appear lonely or hurt. All my senses seem to diminish, and I feel intense pain and isolation for a moment.  Although I was never excessively bullied growing up, I could also just sense the pain and anguish of a person getting bullied when I was younger and still to this day. I was never very good at reaching out and being a huge helping hand, but I always did my best to make sure that everyone felt uplifted and respected.

I have always been a very outgoing person and was even voted “Life of the Party” for my senior class, and as I look back I realize I had (and still have) a lot of internal conflict because reaching out to “the one” (as Jesus would say) wasn’t what someone like myself was “supposed to do”. I still struggle with this. I still do a terrible job at reaching out to “the one”. I guess that is part of the struggle living with what seems to be two completely contrasting sides to yourself. Sometimes I feel badly about myself because I feel like people only know my outgoing and fun side and I don’t always know how to introduce a completely contrasting side of me to them. Its hard to be personal and intimate with someone when all that they know of you is your incredibly outgoing side. But, I am slowly learning how to be my full self and hopefully I can figure it out!

Kind of switching it up a bit here after a bit of a sidetracked rant about myself… but in high school I was quite successful in track & field. I felt like one of the largest parts of my identity was the success I had on the track. I always wanted to win to impress people and kind of craved the attention that came with being good. I would often think about what other people thought about me in the stands as I came cruising down the homestretch ahead of the competition. My junior year I was the state champion in the 400m and was gunning for the repeat my senior year to go along with hopefully two other big victories at the state meet. Long story short, I got beat in all of my races. Pretty big bummer for someone who cared a lot about winning and impressing people. But I learned something powerful that day as I participated for the last time ever on the track. I remember sitting on the infield after all the races were over and losing everything I had worked so hard for and looking around at all the other people gathered, and realizing that more than anything I was going to miss my teammates, my friends, my coaches, my competitors, the coaches at the other schools, and basically just anybody I met. I realized that the reason I loved track so much was because of all of the people. I realized that what was actually important to me was the legendary bus rides with my teammates, building relationships with my different coaches, and becoming friends with the kids I competed against. I realized what it was all about the whole time. It was all about building relationships and connecting with people. Learning this lesson, in that moment, made me want to help others learn this without having to sacrifice years of pride and selfishness to understand it and brought me a better understanding of who I am and who I want to be.

After high school I got a job working with The Boys & Girls Club. I had the opportunity to work with children all summer long, which, as the youngest child in my family, was pretty foreign. That summer was so much fun, but it also really began my interest in human development. I was exposed to children who came from all sorts of homes, behaved in all sorts of different ways, and connected with me in all different ways. I was always intrigued to learn what their parents were like when the kids go picked up by them. I started to see why certain kids acted certain ways by watching them interact with their parents and I was fascinated by that. I started to think more seriously about working with youth as a career and wanted to be able to have a positive impact on them because I saw how much a lot of youth needed an adult to trust and love. This was more than just a fun summer job for me. It was an eye opening experience for me and my future.

I left away on my mission expecting the opportunity to meet and teach lots of people about the gospel. As my amazing mission unfolded I learned a whole ton about a lot of things: the gospel, myself, other people, Texas, religion, etc. As I sat across from my mission president in my departing interview he asked me what the one thing I would take home with me that wouldn’t go in my suitcase, and I told him, “a testimony”. Now, I don’t want to downgrade that answer at all, because at the time that was a heartfelt and honest answer. I grew a tremendous testimony, and nothing can ever take that away from me. But, nearly two years removed from my mission I now realize the greatest thing I took away from my mission. I had some absolutely amazing experiences teaching the gospel and seeing people find greater light in their lives, but those memories pale in comparison to the opportunities I had to simply be there for some people. I remember having lengthy discussion with some of my companions because they didn’t think it was worth our time to keep going back to certain people because they weren’t “progressing” and worth our time. But what I saw in some of those people was a need for my presence. For example, I remember my good friend Sam. He was in his 80’s and “lonely as hell". I would sit on that man’s couch in his nasty smoky house for multiple hours usually two times a week and talk about his life and things he was struggling with. The dude couldn’t comprehend the gospel or remember things we told him, but I felt such a strong connection and need to be there for that man. Missionaries would tell me for months and months after I left that he wouldn’t stop talking about me whenever they would go offer him service or anything. That relationship is one of my greatest successes. I remember my friend Lovenia who was a convert of a couple years and no longer active in the church. She hadn't kept a commitment from the missionaries in a long time and we had basically gone away from teaching her altogether, but I felt such power come from sitting with her in her home, laughing with her, and letting her know that we loved her for who she was. I remember the people I served more than anything, especially when that service went against everything we were supposed to do as missionaries. I loved teaching the gospel, loved it loved it loved it, but those memories can’t compare to the memories I have connecting with people and learning to love them for who they were and being there for them regardless of their progress in being taught.

I returned home from my mission and was able to substitute teach a bit before school started. Although days were exhausting trying to handle a class full of 10 year olds, I freaking loved it. I gloried in the opportunity to be a positive role model for the kids. There would be days that I would be standing in the halls of the middle school during passing period with kids streaming down the hall getting high fives from me because they loved me so much when I subbed their class. I realized that I wanted those feelings for the rest of my life. But I just had no idea what in the world to teach if I went into education and how I would make a living.

I started school and thought about doing some sort of education degree, but that wasn’t really going anywhere. I had a few other random ideas but nothing ever seemed to click or make sense in my heart. So basically I was just taking a bunch of general classes that I hated. School flipping blew. It sucked. But, I was lucky enough to land an amazing bunch of classes last spring that helped me start to piece my life together. I also got a job that helped me see deeper into things I had started to see long ago. I was recommended to take an Interpersonal Communication class by my adviser that helped me understand a lot of the things I had recognized growing up but didn’t know how to make sense of. Communication and a lot of the human behavior stuff we talked about just made sense to me and was so incredibly interesting. I had a Sport’s Psychology class that helped me start to make more sense of some of the experiences I had playing sports and gave me a desire to be the best future track coach I could be. I had an institute class where we talked a lot about families and relationships. I also worked with the Boys & Girls Club after school program at the middle school that semester. The job was rough, and I honestly hated having to go to work every day because the kids were so difficult to deal with. Most of the kids came from high risk homes and had a lot of struggles in their lives, so it was really hard for the kids to trust us and allow us into their lives. Among months of daily struggles, I was able to have some powerful experiences talking with two different kids about their lives. One girl opened up to me about dealing with anxiety and depression and some of the issues she faced at school. She amazed me with her strong spirit and uncanny ability to perceive the world. I was touched so deeply by that discussion and wished so badly that the kids would allow me to talk with them about hard things more. I really had to ask myself those questions my mother used to ask me when I was younger, "Why do you think they acted that way?" or "How do you think that makes them feel?" This job made me never want to work with youth again, but also made me want to spend my life helping kids like them.

My parents and others always would offer helpful suggestions for study/career choices. I heard a lot of different ones: law school, physical therapy, counseling, occupational therapy, blah blah blah. I remember pretty much just shrugging every idea off because it just didn’t sound like anything I wanted to do. Some days I would feel like doing one thing and then a few days later it would be something else. But I remember there was a point towards the end of last semester that it just all clicked in my head and just felt right. I remember my mother suggesting being a school counselor previously and thinking that was probably her worst idea yet….. but it eventually just hit me. I needed to be a school counselor. I would get to work in a school like I had long wanted to do and I would get to listen to, counsel with, and connect with PEOPLE on a very personal level, as well as be in a position to coach track and be a role model and mentor while helping develop better athletes. All those years of being deeply empathetic with kids growing up started to make sense, my experience with track and the lessons I learned made sense, my strong desire to connect with people on my mission outside of teaching them the gospel made sense, and I could see all my experiences working with youth leading me to that career. So, I made a plan to finish a degree in Communication Studies and do a minor in Psychology before I do a master's program in School Counseling!

This whole plan was all still new to me. I would even tell people that my plan would possibly change because it was one of those “I finally figured my shiz out but idk because maybe I don’t because I sometimes feel like I am a mess.” But I had moment after moment this summer that made me more and more comfortable with my plans. I went to Washington to sell pest control again this summer. I literally just hate sales, hate business, and literally just hate everything about the job except for one thing…. the occasional incredibly powerful interaction with an individual. Over 99% of the people I met were just whatever. Some were nice, some were rude, some were just average, but there were a number of experiences that really touched me. I remember walking up to an ugly yellow house towards the end of a string of really difficult selling days. I chit chatted with the lady who answered about pest control for a little bit before I gave up and started talking with her about life. About 45 minutes later I was walking out of her house having just learned about her conversion to the church, her mission, her leaving the church, her failed marriage, her struggles with her second (current) marriage and seemingly everything in between. I remember as I walked away just feeling overwhelmed with what just happened and the fact that she trusted me, some random 22 year old door-to-door salesman who she had never met, with some of the most vulnerable parts of her life. I always felt like I was able to have real heartfelt discussion about difficult things on my mission, but I realized that my ability to do so had grown so much after my amazing classes and recent experiences. I felt so much love for her and felt so humbled to have been able to help her talk about and feel comfortable discussing some of the hardest things in her life. I wanted that feeling that I had in that moment to be a part of my everyday life for the rest of my life. I felt that feeling again a number of times throughout the summer as I sat in people’s homes talking about their struggling family, their battle with cancer, or their experiences with God and religion. I prayed every single day this summer that I could be the answer to someone’s prayer even if I knew who that person was or not. Most days I had no idea who it was, but there were a small number that were profound, and those experiences helped me feel confident in what I plan to spend my life doing.

So yeah, there is that. I want to be a school counselor. Its going to be hard and will constantly require me to learn and be broken again and again, but it that means I am able to change lives, so be it. I have been told that I will learn things that I will never have wanted to learn and that I will hear about things that I wish I had never heard about, but I look forward to leaving work everyday with those feelings that have already changed my life so much!